A Book of 40: Lasting Love

What does it really take to have LASTING LOVE?? Well, I can tell you that there's definitely not a scientific formula that we can all digest to make this happen. But wouldn't that be great? I'm sure the line would be wrapped around the distributor location, like a Best Buy line during Black Friday.

Do I know all that it takes to have Lasting Love? Does anyone? That we may never know. While I may not know it all, I'm learning more every day. Come take a journey with me as I uncover some of the essential factors to having and keeping a Lasting Love.

Comment, comment, comment and comment to let the world in on your thoughts on my Love Spills and hot topics on 'Love' and 'Relationships'. Would you like to be a guest poster or have a request for a topic you want me to address? Well, there's an easy resolution to both of those and that's just merely emailing me at abookof40@gmail.com.

Stop in on a regular and get your dose of Love,

- SOLAR 40

Loved by few...

Owned by several...

'No can do' for some...
Given a bad name by many...

LONG Distance Relationships

that is.

So many people fear getting in and committing to a long distance relationship. Well, I can attest to your worries and fears, but I'm hear to address the issues behind it all and provide possible advice and resolutions to throw you out of the "Loved by few" bucket with hopes of transitioning it into "Loved by many".

"Anything worth having, is worth working for"! Whether you are near or far, a relationship requires a few things, so let me share my 6 Biggies:

Time
Trust
Commitment
Communication
Patience
Honesty

If you leave out any one of the biggies in your relationship you may run into many bumps and end with long-term bruises. While there will be disagreements from time to time, a lot can be avoided and bandages can be saved for something else.

Because you live in different locations, TIME be an issue in terms of finding it to share with each other and traveling to and from one area. But if you TRUST your love for each other, make a COMMITMENT to give it your all for it to work. You have to COMMUNICATE all the good and bad to each other to figure out ways to overcome the bad and continue the good. All of this takes PATIENCE and HONESTY from both parties.

It can work! I'm witnessing it WORK for me right now. I'm currently in a successful long distance relationship, and have been in a few unsuccessful ones in the past, so I'm truly speaking from experience and not pulling my info out of a hat. I definitely don't possess that type of magic :)

I'm looking forward to diving deeply into my 6 Biggies and giving you insight. Stay tuned to my relationship spills, and I hope you share your feedback, advice, and personal stories.

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder"- Anonymous

Until my next SPILL,

-SOLAR 40

Love Biggie #1: TIME!!!

Hello readers and lovers out there! I'm back and it's time to dive into our #1 Love Biggie as mentioned in my previous post "Long Distance Relationships".

Time is vital to the success of any relationship. You have to be dedicated to devoting time to make it work. Whether you live in the same or different locations, you have to make plans to be with each other, fellowship with each other, date each other, and build a friendship with each other. You're probably thinking, "Wow, she's asking me to devote my time to a lot"! Well, yes I am. I'm asking on behalf of your loved ones. As much as you value your time alone, you have to value the time with them as well. In addition to this, you also have to find time to be with friends and family.

To make it work in my relationship, my boyfriend and I schedule out and discuss every weekend of each upcoming month. This allows us to make changes in our schedule, plan vacation time at work if necessary, and make different arrangements with friends/families to incorporate everyone in our lives. It may sound like a lot of work, but it's not and it doesn't take a ton of time to do this once you get in the habit of doing so. I suggest taking at least 30 mins to 1 hour before the last week of each month to discuss what each of you have on your agenda for the upcoming month. This really, really helps because it prevents a lot of confusion and keeps both of you on the same page in terms of what you will be doing.

If you remember from my previous post, I mentioned I am in a long distance relationship, which can make our scheduling a little more challenging sometimes, but we always work it out. While we love being with each other, we still like individually hanging with our friends/family, and having time to ourselves. Early in our relationship, we found an easy resolution to this. Here goes: 1 weekend a month we have an off weekend to spend with our friends or just do nothing alone; 1-2 holidays a year to spend with friends without each other. This may sound crazy to you but this plan accomplishes a few things: we miss each other a lot on off weekends, which in turn gets you excited to see them the next weekend; we get to spend time with our friends, whom we definitely want to be active and involved in our lives; we get that "ME" time that everyone needs. This may not work for you, but if you are not successful at balancing your relationship, family, and friends in your life, this is definitely worth a try. I'm living it, so I know it works :)

Time means so much in life. It keeps going on regardless of your plans. I elaborated on time in a previous poem post I wrote, "Time, Who Are You?", so check it out.

Have you taken the time, to sit down and have a heart to heart with your mate lately?
Do you know if anything is bothering your mate?
Do you know if your mate feels bogged down or like they don't have time for themselves?

If you answered "No" to any of the above questions, I suggest you make the TIME to find the Answers.

What do you do in your relationship, to maximize time with each other?
Do you have any issues with finding time to do things with and without your mate?
What kind of system do you use in your relationship to make it work?

I would love to hear how you make it work while finding time for yourself and your mate? So drop a comment and let me in your great thoughts.

Do you have a hot relationship/love topic you would like for me to address? If so, hit me up at abookof40@gmail.com and I will be glad to do a post.

“Time is free, but it's priceless. You can't own it, but you can use it. You can't keep it, but you can spend it. Once you've lost it you can never get it back.” - Harvey McKay

Until my next biggie,
-SOLAR 40

Get To Know Your Mate!!

Sometimes, we assume that we our mates better than we really do. Do you know their long-term dreams, pet peeves, favorite color, dessert, etc? Now, don't get me wrong, just like you, I too think that I know my boyfriend in and out. However, I'm sure there's always going to be something to learn.

If you are an avid reader of A Book of 40, you know by now that 40 is very significant in my life. If you're a new reader, well you're about to get tuned in to this. Ever so often I go through what I call Cycles of 40, where I commit to doing something for 40 days, 40 weeks, 40 times, etc. It makes me strengthen my COMMITMENT (Love Biggie #3) skills, while also challenging myself in life.

It's time for a new Cycle of 40, "Get To Know Your Mate". I challenge you and myself to find out 40 things that you didn't know about your mate and also give them the opportunity to do the same to you. You'll be surprised at the interesting things you'll find out. Not only does this cycle get you more in tune with them, but it will also strengthen your COMMUNICATION (Love Biggie #4) skills with your partner.

Here are some ways to ask and find these 40 interesting facts:

Email the questions to your mate
Ask the questions on IM while Skyping
Ask the questions while on Google Talk
Ask the questions face-to-face

By now, you probably think this is a crazy request, but try it out and let me know if you still feel that way when you're done. I'm going to take this challenge as well.

"I never learn anything talking. I only learn things when I ask questions."- Lou Holtz

Until our next Cycle of 40,
-SOLAR 40

Interesting Post from a 'Previously' Single Black Male

So I've been browsing, blogging, and reading and came across what may be my new favorite Love/Dating/Relationship blog to follow: Single Black Male. As I was checking out his blog, my eyes spotted: How I Knew She Was The One!

This article goes into detail about how he knew the one he was with was the one that he should marry. It's definitely an eye opener and I will admit that even though I'm not and never have been a "Single Black Male", I was going through his list of things in my head and thinking of my own boyfriend. While I already know I'm with my one, it was refreshing to hear from a male's point of view, how he knew he found his one.

Here's one of my fave parts in the post: "With my wife, even after I’d learned all about all of the different things she’d experienced in her life, after she’d shared all of her memories and all of the different influences she’d had – I still wanted to spend time with her. I wanted to make new experiences and new memories. My inability to shake my interest in her was one of the early signs that she might be the one."

Check it out and read the full article for yourself at Single Black Male! I'll definitely be tuning into this site going forward.

How did you know you found your one? I'll soon share my story on finding my one;)

"A woman knows the face of the man she loves as a sailor knows the open sea."-Honore de Balzac

Until my next blog find,
-SOLAR 40

Distinguishing Roles Within A Relationship

How do you distinguish roles within your relationship? Do you act the same way around your mate no matter where you are, whether it's around your kids, parents, friends? Well, this is one topic that could go in so many directions based on various situations and relationships. One of my loyal Book of 40 readers, who is a mother and wife left a comment on a previous post, "Time, Love Biggie #1" and requested I expand on "Distinguishing roles within a relationship". Here is an excerpt from the comment "a good topic would be how to distinguish roles within a relationship. Are you prudish around your parents or lovey dovey? Do you find it easy to kiss each other around family?"

I thought long and hard about this topic, and after a while, a particular Bible verse came to mind:

Ephesians 5:31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”

My overall impression and answer to the topic for my married reader is that once you are united and married you are to love and cherish each other under all circumstances and in all occasions. The first question from the comment was "Are you prudish around your parents or lovey dovey?" To answer, this NO!! You should show your love for your mate/spouse around all company, whether it be parents, friends, coworkers, other relatives. Always make them feel loved. Love carries the world. There is already a lack of it in different areas, so when we have the opportunity to show it, DO SO! Parents know that you are in a relationship/married and they must respect this.

This leads us right into the second question from the comment "Do you find it easy to kiss each other around family?" YES! It may make them feel a little uncomfortable at first, but they will get used to it. There is nothing like a nice kiss, a long hug, or a stroke on the arm when in the presence of others. It's not "showing off" or trying to make others jealous of what you have, it's showing your partner love and expressing exactly how you feel. Love should be expressed everywhere and not just behind closed doors. Now I'm not saying do anything vulgar or X-rated in front of others lol, as you may end up with other issues, but that's another post for another day :)

I love being out and seeing couples kiss and hold hands. They have love that is not envious of anyone or anything and they are not ashamed to let the world know it. My boyfriend and I hold hands pretty much wherever we go, and sometimes when visiting people we hold hands when just merely chatting and sitting on the couch without even realizing it. I like to feel loved at all times, on my good and bad days. You never know the effect of a simple kiss or gesture. For all you know, when they walked in and met you at a dinner party, they just came from the worst day ever at work, but then you greeted and kissed them and it reminded them that "Work is over for today and love is here now". The next time you're out in public shopping with your mate or visiting relatives, do something nice and sweet to express your love. PUCKER UP readers and show your LOVE!!

Until my next request post,

-SOLAR 40

Flaws And All

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them"- Maya Angelou

Do you know who you are with? Do you ask questions and observe actions? Or do you just have your own vision of how you want someone to be and try to transform them into that.

It's very vital to know that as adults (25 and up), we are pretty much who we are going to be. You can change habits and learn from mistakes, but personality is there and some things can't be changed. Why would you want to be with someone that you want to change up and down? You won't have to completely change the essence of the one that is meant for you. There is room for improvement in men and women and this is fine, but at the end of the day, somethings about us will always be constant. Love the one you are with for who they are!! If you can't do that, then maybe that's not the one for you.

You are not perfect, so don't expect your mate to be perfect. There might be a few things that they do that will drive you crazy and vice-versa, but love can live in your relationship despite it all. I always felt that Beyoncé really told a true story in "Flaws and All" that discusses the love her mate has for her even though she is not perfect, and she in turn loves him for this. I won't go on and on about the song, but will instead let you get your own ear full.

Flaws and All- Beyoncé

Until my lyric of lesson,

-SOLAR 40

Love Biggie #2- TRUST

Trust in me in all you do

Have the faith that I have in you

Love will see us through

If only you trust in me....

-Etta James "Trust in Me"

You may or may not be familiar with the few lyrics above, but when I think of trust, this song usually comes to mind. We're here, and now venturing into LOVE BIGGIE #2: TRUST!! Without trust, you will always have doubt and worries about your relationship. It's very critical that you have faith in your mate and know that you can trust them and also live a life where they can trust you as well. When you know that your mate has your best interest at heart, it's easier to do a lot and discuss a lot.

Relationships can be tested by the actions and words of outsiders and this could break your relationship if you let it. If you hear things about your mate from someone else, do you believe them or believe your mate? TRUST is a MUST. If you ask your mate a question and they give you an answer, do you trust or doubt their answer? TRUST is a MUST.

You will find that when trust lives in your life, home, and relationships, problems are less common. I trust my boyfriend in all aspects and believe that what he does for me and shows me is the truth and it's the only truth I need to rely on in our relationship. I know that he trust me as well and I DON'T and WON'T do anything to change or jeopardize this. Once you do something to cause your mate to lose trust in you, it's very hard to earn that trust back. Trust is just like a chain and when a link is broken, it's hard to hold anything together.

Sometimes if we've had issues trusting family members and friends growing up, it makes it harder to trust your mate in a relationship. You have to learn to accept that everyone is different and everyone will not let you down. While people in your past may have done so, you can't hold this against those in your present and future and assume that you can't trust them. I encourage you all to work on trusting yourself and others, because TRUST is a MUST!

"To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved." - George MacDonald

Until my next love biggie,

SOLAR 40